How to Find the Right Partner… for You!
Wouldn’t it be nice to be able to choose what you want in a partner and have it delivered, just like ordering in a restaurant? “I’ll take one caring person who is ready to have a long-term relationship and wants to cherish me with a side of a financial independence, please. Thanks, and I’m kind of in a hurry, so can you put in my order ASAP?”
When you eat out, you read the menu, decide what you want, and order it. Then, as if by magic, it comes to you. What if you could do the same when it comes to choosing the perfect partner?
Of course, you can’t simply select a partner from a menu. But you do have a lot more choice than you may realize. You are making choices all the time, either actively or passively.
So, if you’ve been making choices all along, why don’t you already have the relationship you want?
Perhaps it’s because, like many of us, you haven’t realized that you need to be clear and specific about what you want before you can make the best choices.
When you order food from a menu, you know you need to specify what kind of salad dressing you’d like or how you want your steak cooked. It’s the same with relationships. When you get clear about what you desire, you open the way for it to come to you. And, when it comes to you, you will be able to recognize it and receive it.
Finding the right partner is one of the most important things in life. Why leave it up to chance or fate? You wouldn’t choose a job, a school, or a house without being clear about your desires and doing a lot of research. Why not give yourself the same advantage when choosing the person you want to share your life with?
You can draw toward you the partner, and the relationship, you desire by clarifying what’s important to you and making the best choices possible.
Learn to Exercise Your Power of Choice
Imagine you have only one chance to choose a partner for the rest of your life. Would you take the first person that comes your way only to wake up one day wondering how you ended up with someone who doesn’t make you happy? Hopefully, not.
So how do you choose the best partner?
First, you have to begin by asking yourself what’s really important to you. What are your relationship visions and values? What qualities would your right partner have?
Now, let’s throw away your written or mental list of your partner’s “ideal” qualities. Everyone has a list like this, whether it’s in your head or in a notebook. Do you want a man who looks Harrison Ford or a woman who looks like Halle Barry? How about a tri-athlete who never complains about housework, has a great sense of humor, an IQ of 150, loves dogs, speaks four languages, and brings in a six-figure income? Whatever your ideal, it’s time to get real. Only then can you attract the walking, talking, real-life human being you want into your life.
Next, make a list of your top ten “must-haves” in a relationship. These are the attributes a potential partner absolutely must have for you to consider him or her. If a person doesn’t have these qualities, this isn’t the right relationship for you and you will eventually leave.
Getting clear about your “musts” can save you a lot of heartache. How many people have had their hearts broken because their partner doesn’t want to get married and they do, or their partner doesn’t want to have children and they do?
If you want to get married and have children, those are two of your “musts.” If you want someone who shares your religion, that would be a third “must.” If you want someone with a certain amount of financial stability, that’s a fourth “must.”
This list of “must-haves” is your map – your guide – to creating the relationship that’s right for you.
Your list will allow you to focus on what you want, let go of the ideal picture you’ve been holding on to, and get realistic about what will bring you happiness. You won’t find an ideal out there, but you can find a real human being who will make you happy – when he or she is treated well, understood, loved, and appreciated.
I know this exercise may seem simple at first glance, but give it a try. As you start to create your list, you may find yourself minimizing – or trying to convince yourself – that your partner’s financial stability or interest in having children isn’t critical.
You may hear a little voice inside saying, “It’s okay if he’s not financially stable,” or “She’ll have more time eventually, she just needs to focus on her career first.”
I think everyone has thought, at one time or another, that they’ll be able to make their relationship work and that, over time, the other person will change and everything will be okay.
However, no matter how much we might like to believe otherwise, we can never change another person. We can only change ourselves.
So, before giving into the “little voice,” first ask yourself if you don’t deserve more.
If you find yourself struggling to create your “must-have” list, this in itself is an indicator of why you’re having difficulties creating a fulfilling relationship.
If you’d like some help and support, please feel free to contact me. I’ll be happy to help you explore your relationship values and work with you to create your unique vision of a happy and fulfilling relationship.
Looking Back in Order to Move Forward
Once you have your list, take an honest inventory of how many of these qualities exist in your current relationship. Does your current relationship match your vision and values or did you fall in love with the possibility – the potential – that these values and visions could be realized? How many of your “must-haves” existed in your previous relationships?
Having what you want in a partner means being willing to turn your back on your old patterns of behavior and selection.
If you’ve been frustrated by your previous relationship experiences… If, no matter how well your past relationships have begun, they all seem to repeat similar patterns and leave you disappointed in the end… You may have, on some level, been choosing people who are “your type.” Why are they your type? It’s worth examining, and together we can do just that.
Loving yourself and knowing you deserve what you want will give you the strength to stop seeing someone who doesn’t fit your “musts” – even if you find them attractive.
Love Yourself and Love Will Follow
When we struggle in our relationships, we end up questioning everything from our actions to our words. My method of making a list, analyzing previous relationships, and learning to make better choices can help you clarify what you want in a partner and exercise your power of choice to have what you want.
It’s a simple process, but the results are stunning, and it will change the way you approach dating and relationships.
It is important to keep your heart open to yourself as you make your list and look for a partner. Gaining clarity is a loving thing to do for yourself because it allows you to attract and recognize the partner you desire.
And, in order to love someone else and find someone who truly loves you, you must first love yourself enough to challenge yourself and make sure you know, and get, what you want, need, and deserve.
Once you’re clear, you can be awake enough to recognize the partner of your dreams when he or she shows up. It’s not difficult, it just takes a willingness to stay aware in the moment, stay connected with your heartfelt desires, and receive what comes your way.
When we become frustrated or afraid our ability to effect change and make good choices becomes impaired.
My role as a professional counselor is to help people like you connect with the internal resources and guidance you have available, let go of behavior patterns that no longer serve your needs, create effective strategies to move your relationship and life forward in the right direction, and work with you to achieve the results you want.
I’m not here to “fix” you or your relationship, but to be an educator, a coach, and a source of support and reflection, so you can determine your relationship needs and desires and how best to achieve them.
A strong, healthy, loving relationship provides much more than companionship and support. It encourages both partners to be their best as individuals. Fortunately, a relationship doesn’t have to be perfect to work wonders!
Allow yourself to believe that the relationship you want is out there. There is an abundance of people like you who are seeking meaningful, fulfilling relationships. If the one you meet today isn’t right for you… remember, “There’s always another, better one, coming!”
It’s going to happen, it’s just a matter of time and learning to make the right choices for you.